Staring at a poster on the A train, I suddenly realized the concepts of 'Heaven' and 'The Past' might sometimes be completely synonymous.
My mom calls it 'Euphoric Recall', that thing that made it so hard for her to ever completely let go of my stepfather, the Boogeyman - remembering only the good stuff, the past as a warm, sweet thing, sans pain. I do the opposite, where I only remember the negative, and the past is a dark twisted corridor I refuse to glance over my shoulder at, lest it turn me to salt or stone. Maybe the night terrors, the words we couldn't say and things we witnessed and cannot un-see are the shadow side of the past, maybe that is the true/literal definition of 'Hell'.
When I was in the 5th grade, I made a collage in my Art class composed of star-scapes/astral planes, bodies seen through heat sensors in the infrared light spectrum. At the center of that piece I had cut out and pasted the words 'Hell is a State of Mind'. Apparently part of me understood something once, that took me two decades to remember, or fully understand.
It feels like my Child and Adult selves, previously unaware of each other's existence, just collided on that dingy, poorly lit subway car.
2 comments:
symptoms of ptsd:
-trouble making or remembering positive memories
-Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event
-Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event
-Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the event
maybe. this post was more about realizing that I can CHOOSE. That I can focus on the sunlight on my skin, rather than the chilly breeze catching my exposed ankle. Both I can ultimately feel the one I focus on, and that power lay within my own mind, not external forces I have no control over.
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